Seriously?!

Well, this should be SHORT (at least that’s my intention but those that know me well probably don’t believe it!) and hopefully SWEET.  I write because I find myself overwhelmed … and repeatedly thinking to myself, “Seriously?! …

…Is God really so good to me that, in the midst of this crazy news and loss of control (which I love far more than I should), that I feel so unbelievably loved, safe, secure, and BLESSED?! Has he really turned something like cancer into one of the biggest blessings and means of grace and love that I have ever experienced?!”  And, it is NOT because I have an amazing faith – many of y’all have been sweet to encourage me with admiration but this is NOT of me.  It’s ALL HIM.

The blessings of His grace FAR outweigh the burden! As I sat down for some quiet with Jesus today I found myself, within minutes, crying and asking “Lord, are you really this good to me?!” Y’all have inundated us with texts, calls, emails and concern – and inundated Cynthia with offers to help (note to self: next time you give out Cynthia’s email in a mass communication, don’t forget to give her a heads up that you’re finally getting around to sending the email that includes her name and contact information before your sweet friends flood her inbox with sweet offers to help!).  We feel SO loved.  Y’all have prayed for us, blown us away with offers to help, and reminded us that we won’t have to walk this road alone.  We feel far more blessed than burdened.  He’s THAT good.  Seriously.  And I’m SO grateful.

More evidence of His goodness …

For my 40th birthday (yesterday), my friends hounded me about how I wanted to celebrate but I resisted.  Between a wedding and all the related festivities in 2010 followed by a baby and all the festivities (more gifts, meals, parties, visits, texts, calls) in 2011, I felt more than adequately loved and celebrated.  By my faithful friends were quite persistent.  I didn’t want a party but I finally relented when we came up with the idea of “40 hours of fun with friends and favorite things” and strung together my favorite activities of Starbucks, church, breakfast, road trips, lakes, tennis, walking, jogging, JDs, nails, games, lemonade iced tea, mexican food, white cake and white icing, and lots of laughs with about 15 friends starting on Sunday morning in Dallas, to Tyler for the afternoon and night, and back to Dallas on Monday.  I spent the last of the 40 hours at a great dinner with Scott.  It was pretty much perfect. And, as if that wasn’t MORE than enough love, fun and celebration, then there were texts, calls, emails, cookie deliveries, flowers, cards, sweet and thoughtful gifts and countless other ways I felt loved.  I don’t know if it was turning 40 or having cancer but let me tell you that cancer + 40 = most awesome (and very PINK!) birthday ever!

And, again, I see that the Lord went before me.  When all these haggling over plans was going down, noone had any idea that my birthday would fall smack dab in the middle between a cancer diagnosis and my first rounds of treatment.  But God did.  And, He went out of the way to orchestrate the perfect birthday of my very favorite things with favorite people!

PRAY.

Many of y’all have said you’re praying about insurance and we THANK YOU!  We don’t have answers yet but have heard it might be Wednesday or Thursday.  So, we wait. And, as a result, we also wait to know when the port will be implanted and chemo will begin.  My idolatry of control shows its ugly head here because I hate the waiting, the ambiguity about the schedule over the next couple of weeks, and the inability to plan.  I don’t wait well.  I like structure and predictability.

As a result, I find myself doing stupid stuff like a mad dash to Target last Sunday (right after the diagnosis) to swap out diapers for a bigger size when I had a :45 window and Scott had suggested a nap instead.  Why was I at Target instead of curled up on the couch with my husband when I was exhausted?! This morning, in a short window before a photography session (sweet birthday gift!), I decided it was time to clean out any/all clutter and I started a Goodwill collection.  And, washed all the sheets.  Thankfully my mother in law was here to help enable my insanity:)  I find myself  in a ridiculous, futile pursuit of the allusion of control, order and cleanliness.  While I still feel good, while I still have some sense of control over my schedule, I have a ridiculous need to get all things in order – like I said, the allusion of control.  I’ve confessed this idolatry to the Lord (life is in Him not in an orderly home or schedule) but I would love prayer here because this will be a daily struggle as I face the loss of my life as I know it for a few months and anticipate a ‘new normal.’  I know GOD is in control – and He’s given me plenty of opportunities to see that! I don’t need to struggle, strain, or fret in pursuit of that (perceived) control and order.  Please pray that I can rest in the Lord, cease striving, embrace this new normal as an opportunity to mature in Him, and give up the pursuit of the allusion of control and order.  Thankfully, Scott doesn’t struggle in the same ways.  And he’s not hesitant to call out my insanity.

And, lastly, there has been another sweet gift … and another reminder of His provision … an unexpected check that covers our deductible.  God’s got us.  And so do y’all. And He IS that Good.  Seriously!   Thanks for all the LOVE.

PS I acknowledge that was not short.  But God is most certainly SWEET.

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3 thoughts on “Seriously?!

  1. Oh, Jennifer I just love to see how He has loved you!!! What a precious birthday friends planned for you. Just as He has been faithful since the beginning of this… I expect Him to give you rest from control…..the stuff I call “silliness” when I think it is important to have my house, life, kids, etc in order. Just when I think I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL, He shows me how quickly things get undone, and how very UNIMPORTANT it is to Him! I love so much this site where we can stay close to you! Love you and miss you, Maribeth

  2. Oh sweet friend….. love hearing how God is showing you HIS love and blessings. Praying for you as you enter your new normal…. I have finally come to realize that there is no such thing as normal just another day for HIS glory… hard to do day to day but praying for you all….love to you all..

  3. Praying for you Jennifer! Scott and Lincoln too. You so make me smile when I read your blogs and once again, I am in awe of your amazing faith in our dear Lord. You are truly an inspiration to me! Hugs.

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