I’ve been asked if I’m ‘ready’ for tomorrow and I don’t know how one properly prepares for a hysterectomy but I have shaved my legs, drank some nasty stuff to empty my innards (TMI?), washed everything in sight (unexpected ‘nesting’ compelled me to do a little compulsive house cleaning), packed a bag for me and for Linc and am hoping that qualifies me as ‘ready’ … because ready or not we check in at Baylor at 9am.
I am definitely ready to have another big part of my treatment plan (one that’s been looming) taken care of. I’m also ready to lay in bed for a few days when its expected to be over 100 degrees in Dallas for the next several days! I may be tempting y’all to jealousy – hysterectomy recovery (laid up in bed with no responsibilities) may be easier than what yall will be doing in 100+ degree weather. As Ive said before and it could be true again: don’t hate me because I have cancer.
In the morning, my baby will leave to be with his Nana and Papa (and happy as can be!) for several days. Scott, my mom and friends will be with me before and after surgery. And even IN surgery I will be with a friend. The doctor who will go in through my belly button and disassemble me is a friend – as well as a great physician. And while I know these people and others will take incredible care of me and Lincoln, it is even sweeter to know that all of the details. decisions and doctors are under the sovereign control of a good and gracious God who has given me the faith to rest in Him. As well as some good rest under anesthesia and pain medication!
Scott and I talked about it today and neither of us have any anxiety about the surgery itself. As he mentioned, if I was having a hysterectomy without the last 18 months of treatment, chemo, surgery, and radiation, maybe it would seem like a bigger deal to us?! But I think we’ve become a bit desensitized to what would otherwise be stressful?! I guess I don’t know why but we are thankful that, whatever the reason, that the Lord has graciously protected both of us from fear and anxiety.
My sadness remains over the inability to have other biological children and I imagine that waking up tomorrow without my baby-making-organs will be hard. But that reality has been hard for over a year now and I expect it will be hard for many years to come. So far, tomorrow hasn’t necessarily felt like it will be significantly harder than many moments I’ve had these last months. But we will see. During a pre-op standard procedure sonogram last week I had this irrational but very hopeful thought that the sonogram technician would find a baby in my belly. Not so much. But my heart sank as if that was actually possible and the reality that it wasn’t made me sad. With medically-induced menopause for the past 18 months you’d think my brain could overpower my desires! Instead it was another reminder that I don’t know what will be hard or when those feelings will surface and sometimes my feelings overpower my brain. Friends have been sweet to affirm my decision and my head knows its best but sometimes my heart doesn’t get the memo.
As it is (and finalized tomorrow), if the Lord is gonna give us another child its gonna come from someone else’s belly. The challenge with that is that Scott is perfectly happy with just the one that already unexpectedly came from my belly. As such, only one of us is burdened for more children and every time I bring it up it just causes Scott to delight and marvel all the more in Lincoln so the conversation rarely gets much further than his overwhelming gratitude for the one we have. It’s pretty sweet. And Im thankful too. And I don’t know how the story ends but the One who wrote it has a way of surprising us and showing off or settling our hearts into His will. I rest therein.
Surgery is at 11 tomorrow and I’d love your prayers for continued peace for us, for Lincoln to enjoy being spoiled by his Nana and Papa (my second mom and her sweet husband), for my doctor Kamilia (as if surgery wouldn’t be stressful enough I think there’s extra emotion for her because she also cares for me as a friend), the anesthesiologist (Shannon) and the very experienced nurse (Tina) that Kamilia specifically scheduled around because of her skill and experience with the robot that they will use. I should be done and waking up around 2. I’ll spend the night tomorrow night then, Lord willing, be home on Thursday. Scott or I will send a post surgery update tomorrow. We thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and thoughts.
It is well with my soul.
With pink, prayers and love,
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.