Win some. Lose some. And wait a lot.

In my last post I energetically reported on a trial that Dr O was pretty excited about. And she still is! But, for me, not yet…

The other patient has been waiting for 6-7 weeks and we found out she was technically ahead of me so I didn’t ‘make the cut.’ With this call/news, I had some tears. They were unexpected. I am sad because I had in mind ‘that was the plan…’ (and you can ask Scott or any of my friends or any of the counsellors I’ve paid hundreds of dollars to but, for better and worse, this girl likes a plan and order and not waiting…) and I had to redirect and rewire my mind. Things change real quickly in this crazy cancer world so it shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does.  I think I’m still ‘recovering’ from realizing that we are already changing the plan (again) after 2-3 months or so of this chemo and it seems to me like we are burning through the handful of available treatments a little faster than I expected once she doesn’t think they are still effective for me. Also, Dr O is so hopeful and excited about these trials that it’s contagious. I also cried because there was a sweet moment where the Lord whispered in my heart that He loves me and He loves her (whoever her is…) and that maybe she needs the trial more than I do?! So, I surrendered. Through tears of sweetness knowing that He is good and trustworthy, I surrendered.

And then I went to my happy place. A massage. And even happier, it was free. Used my little punch card and took my ‘free tenth’ massage and the ghetto-fabulous greatness of Sole Therapy. Then, I got back in my car and almost immediately got a text from one of my ‘breasties’ Sterling about one of the girls I met in October of 2013 at a Stars game honoring breast cancer. She had just been diagnosed and she had just had a baby. And, now, she has died. At age 30. With 2 little boys. Though I’ve known that if I make friends with other breast cancer girls and even join friends to start a ‘pink not grey’ support group for young patients (average age for diagnosis is 62) then I can expect that we will have to watch some of our friends die. But Ashleigh was the first. I haven’t seen her since that hockey game but we’ve texted (we connected over my inflammatory because that’s what she had too) and her ‘breastie’ (seems like God pairs many of us up with someone walking a similar road at the same time) is another girl named Shari who I know better and comes to our meetings (and she is the one who had broken back which Lord used to prompt/prepare me to not ignore my back pain). So, long winded way of telling you that when I got back in car and had learned only hour earlier that I didn’t make the trial, the news that Ashleigh had died while I was on vacation came with a crushing weight. She knew and loved Jesus and spoke boldly of his grace but wow…

And if you just need a good cry or want to clean our your tear ducts or make sure you are human with a beating heart, you can read some of their story and her grace at But grab some tissues before you get settled to read.

And on top of all of that somebody in FL stole my credit card number and went to town online at Macy’s and at Champs and hooked themselves up (literally?) with $364 at Comcast. Nobody. I mean nobody has time for that.

So let’s just say it wasn’t really my happiest week. 

But, in encouraging news, Dr O has already gone to bat for me with the drug company who hosts the trial and initially declined me for participation (based on disease and past treatments). In some fine print technical reading she challenged their conclusions and they came back to her and gave me initial approval for the trial and I am first in line for the next accepted group of patients – she expects 6-8 weeks. And, again, she called me after hours to talk through options and has a plan to put me on 2 drugs that work similarly to the trial I was on (but it had 3 drugs – one in a lower dosage which she didn’t like) and can give me greater dosages. And these drugs have a relatively fast ‘wash out period’ so as soon as there is an opening I can stop these, said the requisite amount of time for them to clear my system, and start the trial. And, in the meantime, maybe my hair can start growing back! It comes out in fistfuls with ever ywashing or brushing (which makes me limit both) and let me tell you what isn’t super attractive … Super thin hair that isn’t super clean or brushed! Now, maybe my hair will get a break and these drugs can beat up on another part of my body for awhile (most likely my energy).

I appreciate the prayers for me to get on the trial and now you can pray that we will continue to patiently wait and graciously surrender. I also would love for you to pray for Ashleigh’s family. And, like hers, when my day comes (whether that’s next year or the next decade) I ask you in advance to pray for Scott and Lincoln and my mom(s) and grandmother and family and friends. Death is never good. Gods plan was always for life and that was/is painfully interrupted by sin and death. For me, death won’t be permanent – merely a gateway to enter the presence of my Savior and live with Him there. But until Scott and Linc and family and friends join me, it will be permanent for them. They will need much prayer for supernatural strength and peace and joy. I thank you in advance for your care and prayers for them.


18 thoughts on “Win some. Lose some. And wait a lot.

  1. Continuing in prayers for you my friend. My heart aches for what you are going through. But know our Lord is mighty in His plan.

  2. Tears. For you. Your family. Your friends. Your breasties and their families. Tears because your story hits so close home… and not even related to cancer. Thankful for these doctors who call after hours, who leave family and littles, all to care for those to whom they are called to be a conduit of healing. To be the hands and arms of Jesus. A week ago I looked into the tired eyes of one of these healers. He had made progress to save the leg of a dear friend. I saw the eyes of Jesus as I looked into his…doing his father’s work. Today, he plopped into the chair of my friend’s hospital room as I happened to be visiting…he, never imagining she’d still be in the hospital. The BEST thing we all know is that we are loved by the most Holy, Perfect and Loving God and He has the Best in store for us. As a survivor of a Mother who did not survive breast cancer, I can say without hesitation, that in spite of what this world says, GOD IS GOOD and all good. And he is with us with Jesus and with his Holy Spirit. I pray for you, Scott and Linc…and those friends, like those friends of my mother’s whom I still recall with clarity, loved her with the love of the Lord…Beyond all comprehension. Thank you for your vulnerability and your revealing of the difficult Truth.

  3. I’m so sorry, sweet friend. What a hard week. Praying for more good days ahead. Thankful the Lord grabbed you a long time ago and this isn’t how He clued you in about Him. This would be a much harder road. Thank you for all the details you share, and your vulnerability. It’s good to pray specifically. Love you.

  4. Oh, Jennifer. I am so sorry to hear that. I completely understand the deeply planted need to know the plan. I cannot imagine what it must be like with something like this. But, I guess God is continuing to remind us that we don’t always need to know the plan…to truly trust Him we have to just get on the ride and maybe even close our eyes and raise our hands. So much easier said than done, I know (like my trying to stop praying and cursing CONSTANTLY when John Breeden is driving :)). I continue to pray for you. My prayer this morning was not that you will see Him today (because I know that you see Him every day) but that you see Him in a few especially delightful ways….I know you will because that’s the person you are and you are so inspiring to all of us. I hope you have a good day, sweet Jennifer. xoxo

  5. I continue to pray for you, dr. O and your beautiful family sweet Jenn. Your faith, perseverance and bravery during all the ups and downs of this journey have forever touched my life in countless ways. I continue to lift you all up in prayer. Your spirit is more beautiful than there are words!!!!

  6. Dear Sweet Jennifer,
    You may not remember me well or at all. I was lucky enough to spend a week with you at Horn Creek several years ago. I hope you will forgive me for not sending you a note sooner. I have prayed for you for years yet not reached out to let you know how much you have encouraged me with your strength and faith. You are one of the rare gems that lives your faith out loud and trusts in Him even when you would have reason to feel abandoned. I have two sisters who are breasties but know that every journey is unique. We all have some sort of spiritual, mental or physical cancer in our lives. I feel a connection to you simply because you have been vulnerable enough to share your daily struggles and celebrations. I do find peace in knowing that this world is not our Home, yet it is the home we know with the people love. I will be praying for you for peace and courage enough for each moment. I will be praying for wisdom for your doctors and that you will continue to see God’s hand on every step of the journey. I don’t realy think there are words that will allow me to tell you how amazing your are. I will just say that you are incredibly amazing.

    Much love and lots of prayers being sent as I write this,
    Lisa Merten

  7. Such a (once again) sweet, sweet post. We love you and are praying for you now and promise the prayers will continue for all those you love and who love you. Your words are a ministry, and “graciously surrender” teach me a lot. Love you JLC.

  8. Sweet Jen, so sorry about this last trial but I am praying for Ashleigh and her family as they travel through this path. I pray that the next trial will be speedy and you will be a the top of the list. I pray for Scott and Lincoln and your family, friends your doctors. For everyone’s strength and wisdom in the days and weeks ahead. Many Prayers, Cathy.

  9. This whole deal just stinks! I pray that you will be healed completely with God’s power through what means he finds. I just hope that you are healed to live a long life with your family! You are brave. That is the word that came to my mind. I want to be a brave person like you. I will see you on the other side. You don’t know me now but if some crazy girl comes up to you in Heaven and says, “Hey, remember me? I commented on your blog once!” That’ll be me. Love to you all – I’ve been talking to God about you and Ashleigh… and the rest of us.

  10. Jen….

    I love reading your entries! Thanks so much for sharing your heart and allowing us to be a part of this journey with you! I consider it a great privilege to pray for you and Scott and Lincoln. ❤️

  11. Dear Jennifer- just want you to know I am praying for you. Your faith is such an inspiration to me. Stay strong and lean on Him. ❤️ Love to you and yours

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