… And other times, unfortunately, it means there’s no good news. And while I’m not scared to share the hard it’s just that everything has become rather hard. Including writing updates.
Yesterday, we decided to take me off the trial. I never had developed a consistent routine that kept the nausea away though we sure did give it a go. We’ve also learned that the ‘cohort’ (trial group) ahead of me on a lower dosage doesn’t have any remaining women in the study either – not sure if that’s because of toxicity problems like I’ve had or disease progression but apparently I’m not the only one who has struggled. Dr O was conclusive and decisive yesterday and I was glad – it had been a hard decision for me to make but also a good opportunity to learn how important ‘quality of life’ is for me as a factor in our treatment plan.
But we don’t necessarily think the trial medicines were the only culprit as to why I feel so poorly – but at least one culprit we could control. We all realize more and more that while we knew (intellectually) that I was sick for the last (almost) 11 months now we are experiencing the sickness. I have pretty intense back pain. To be comfortable I pretty much rotate all night long – I have imagined I look a bit like a pig on one of those roaster spits because all through the night or my naps I just roll 90 degrees and keep rolling – my ribs hurt, then my back hurts, then my other ribs hurt and then it hurts to lay on my stomach. So I rotate again. And again. And again. And after a few rotations I am usually back to pain medication. Right now we are working on the best pain management plan. I’m wearing a pain management patch that gives ongoing relief for 3 days at a time … And I love the ease and simplicity of it. And we are using hydrocodone to take the edge off the intensity of the pain.
And while I may feel like a pig on a spit (isn’t that what that’s called?) I no longer eat like one … Where o where has my appetite gone?! I don’t recognize myself at meal times. Who is the blond girl who never eats and lately has declined Starbucks deliveries?! I don’t know her.
And for the first time in over 25 years of on/off struggles with body image, over/under eating, over exercising, I am losing weight but not excited about it. I can see the effects on my energy level and GI system and both need a much healthier intake – but that’s challenging when nothing sounds good. And I know I need physical activity to help offset the fatigue but the most basic of exercises I’ve loved for years and years all now seem like impossible heroics well out of my reach.
My energy level is one of the biggest concerns in my overall wellbeing and my red blood cells have been low and getting lower over the last few weeks. Dr. O expressed this week that she’s concerned that the cancer has traveled through my bones to my bone marrow so that, using her words, ‘we have a factory problem because I’m afraid the bone marrow is no longer able to produce healthy blood cells for you…’
I shared with Scott and friends yesterday that my body is very weary though I feel sweetly sustained emotionally and spiritually. That’s not to say there aren’t tears but by Gods grace there’s not despair or fear. And the best way I’ve found to describe it as that I simply don’t recognize myself in this life – the limited appetite, limited energy, limited schedule and lots of medicine and sleep. My life has never looked anything like this before. It’s not depressing it’s just different. When I feel this weak I am quite happy with a limited schedule and naps! And also quite delighted in simple sweet moments of friends that visit (not uncommon for me to wake to evidence of their love even though I never heard them enter…) and Lincoln consistently running too hard and too fast and jumping on me (ouch!) when he gets home because he is so excited to tell me about what happened at a friends house. He knows Mama is sick but has connected the dots that that’s why he ha so many play dates. This week, he found me in the bathroom in the middle of the night and said ‘are you trying to throw up again? … I’ll sit here and wait with you…’ If that’s not a 4yo-go-to-bed-stall-tactic-of-desperate-measures then I don’t know what is! He, thankfully, thinks all these fun play dates are just because he has the best social calendar and best friends … And both are true!
As is this. And even more so…
2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; 8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death works in us, but life in you. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
This is hard. And I am in pain. But my hope extends well beyond the temporal that I can see (and feel) to the promises of Jesus to sustain me in this life and welcome me into His presence and joy in the next.
Specifics for prayer, please:
– we meet with the palliative care doctor tomorrow to get, Lord willing, a better understanding of some end of life issues and resources
– for Scott and Lincoln as the reality of life as a single dad is coming more clearly into focus as my limitations increase
– for my amazing, generous, kind, sacrificial family and friends who are grieving as they watch their daughter/friend/granddaughter struggle (I hadn’t cried through this whole entry but this one started the tears…)
– we plan to sit down with Lincoln this weekend as a family and prepare his mind and heart (as much as is possible at 4) for the hard days ahead for him and us
– a cancer-fighting plan (most likely back to chemo next) that will retard some of the cancer growth and therefore some of the pain
– pain management so that I can enjoy the people and many gifts the Lord has given to me for as long as He grants me life and breath
Thanks for your care, concern and prayers. All of you who read and pray and write and care are part of our sweet story.
Pink. Pray. Love. 
Your posts are such a gift of love to all of us who love you. Thank you so much, dear friend. I love you. Praying….
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God bless you and your family and friends
Sweet Jennifer. There are no words other than you all continue to be in our prayers. You are such an inspiration to others and are an angel on earth. Think of you daily and praying for love and comfort to surround you all and our Savior to continue to show you the hidden treasures He has in everything. Xoxo
Sad that I couldn’t sleep earlier and now glad I couldn’t sleep so I could read your words. It’s amazing how your words (to me and I’m guessing most of us reading ), touch the INNER most places of our soul. Prayers over your emotions and mind as you walk each step of this life. I’ll never understand the why of someone like you being sick in “our” early ages of 40s…but incredibly thankful for the hope we have in Jesus and the future. I’m still praying for a miracle for you but in the meantime know that your words are always alive in my heart and mind for all my days. You inspire me to be the women God fearfully and wonderfully made. All my thoughts & prayers are with you tonight.
Jennifer….when I read your post it’s as if you are sitting on the porch with me talking because I can hear your voice. The Lord has blessed you with a very unique way of teaching others the love & hope of Christ even in the midst of this horrible season. I’ve been blessed by many of your teachings. Loved the Esther study in your home. I recently re-listened to your talk on identity in Christ. I’m praying right now for pain management. Praying that you are given just the right cocktail of meds to relieve you of the intense pain & improve the quaility of your life……xoxo
I have never commented but read your posts faithfully every time. I have no words to take the sting away from these hard days. Just please know I am praying for all of you. God bless your beautiful family.
We’ve never met, but because of your amazing friendship with Melanie I started reading your blog. Thank you for your transparency in this incredibly hard time in your and your sweet family’s life…I prayed this morning and will continue to pray for you….thank you for sharing your life…and sharing Jesus..
Prayers for peace and relief. By sharing this journey of yours, you have given many of us an insight we haven’t had, but may need in our future. Thank you.
Praying for you, Scott, Lincoln, your family and friends. Praying for minimal pain and maximal joy and peace. You are dearly loved by so many.
hi sweet jen. i love you and am praying for you, scott snd linc. i am so sad and sorry that your suffering is so intense but you are a beautiful picture of suffering and glorifying jesus through it. we are all blessed to call you friend. is. 41:10
Prayers. Hope. And relief my friend. Thank you for sharing. Sharing all and being a light to this world. You are loved Jennifer. What a beautiful person you are….
We love you, dear friend, and are so thankful for you and the way you live through words. Praying for all you asked and especially your time this weekend as a family. The Lord has gone before you, is your ever present help in times of need and follows behind to reaffirm His love. He is all we need. Praying especially for today, as you process through next step plan. Love you so much!
Love you Jen, we are praying!
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me…….but our Lord and Savior knows and loves us both…….your words touch my heart every time I read them……you are an inspiration…….thru tears I ask that all of your posts be put in a book……a book that would touch the hearts and lives of thousands……..thank you for sharing from your heart honestly……emotionally ……..and faithfully……God Bless
My thoughts exactly as I read Jens post this morning. This journey she is on would (and does) inspire so many and would be a great testimony in book form. Praying today and daily for what you need to go forward.
Continuing to pray for you on this journey friend. Thank you for sharing and always being an encouragement to Me. You are truly light to all who encounter you.
I’m so sorry. Praying for you and your people.
Praying that the Lord will overwhelm you and your family with peace, love, and comfort.
Jennifer~I’ve followed you for quite awhile now. This post just opened my floodgates. Know a stranger is lifting you up and praying that Jesus will lead you to the best pain management strategy available. Your strength and attitude consistently amaze me. You are a light to all and your rewards will be many! ❤ Laura
Jennifer, praying all these things. Praying for the God of all comfort to be so near.
Beautiful words — the Holy Spirit is so alive in you and so it’s so amazing and bittersweet to read that post. Praying so hard for every specific prayer you listed, and for every prayer you didn’t. God bless!
Tears. As I type Fernando Ortega is singing in the background, “Give Me Jesus.” “You can have all this world, Give me Jesus.” You have been so strong, such an example of faith in action, such an encouragement to me and others. “When I come to die, oh when I come to die…Give me Jesus. You can have all this world…Give Me Jesus.” The Murtha family is praying for you. When my own cancer takes me to where you are, if I don’t beat it, I pray I have 1/2 the faith and dignity you continue to display. — We are praying for comfort/quality of life, for Scott and for the perfect time to have the conversation with Linc. Oh Jenn…may God bless you and comfort you. Amen.
I sing that song over and over and over. Love love love that you mentioned. Thanks for walking w me my friend.
Jennifer, you are such a joy and inspiration to all who know you. Your strength in the face of every disappointment gives us all such a Godly perspective. Thank you for sharing your struggles and ultimate victory over the enemy. We love you and your beautiful family. They and we are so lucky to have your light in their lives.
Boy can you write Jen. And to think I almost missed meeting you if it hadn’t been for our running buddies. I am so sorry for your pain and suffering so am lifting you up again this rainy morning and every morning that God wraps you and your precious family in His peace and that pain relief is very close. Love you.
Praying, praying, praying. Thankful for the Peace of Christ in your life.
Your life is beautiful and it glorifies God. Thank you for sharing your pain, fight, and clarity. I am praying for you and all of your loved ones.
Good morning. You don’t know me but my husband Bruce and I have been working with Scott on a plan for our home remodel. My name is Lisa Harris. I started following your blog after a mutual friend informed me of your illness. You are an amazing woman. The style and grace you show while this horrendous disease ravages through and slowly and painfully steals your body and life is nothing less than amazing to me. Why God chose you to endure this end to your life must be a question you have endlessly asked, or not. But I need to tell you it has made a difference in mine. I have 2 daughters ( 15 & 11) and while I will continue to pray daily that I will have a long, earthly relationship with them, you have shown me through your grace how I could possibly endure a different outcome by trusting Him with all. Last night I spoke to a friend who is struggling with “not having the perfect life and needing more”. I am connecting her with your blog this morning. Your story will continue its blessing. I will continue to pray for you, Scott and Lincoln. You continue to fight with all your might. Wrapped in His grace, Lisa
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Dear, sweet friend – you know I love you. Praying for you and Linc and Scott. It’s so strange to cry this many tears while thinking it is well with my soul.
I Love, love, love you. I don’t have other words to tell you how very much so. You are in my heart.
Thinking back on our Starbucks conversations those many years ago. Two rather interesting ladies talking theology and guys (is there anything else to discuss over coffee??). Just a small piece of each of our lives, but a treasured time!
John 1:5…praying this truth outshines your circumstances. Grateful for you…
Your faith is so strong. Continuing to pray for you!!!
Sweet Jen, my tears are flowing this morning as I read this. Praying for you and the boys this morning and will continue. Thank you for the hope you leave all of us in our gracious and Sovereign Savior. While certainly not always understanding, I am trusting Him with you. Love you so much.
Again, you don’t know me, but I have been following your blog for quite some time. I pray for you every night and my heart is broken for all you must endure. You have the most amazing spirit and faith. I am so thankful that in some ways it has helped you battle. I am so sorry you must go through this….
Oh, Jen. You are such a blessing to those in your life. Like your grandmother, you ooze Jesus through your smile and your words and the way you love others. I want to live like Him like you do. Praying for you and your family.
Jennifer, I have no words…but your words are always Christ-filled, inspiring and encouraging.
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
EPHESIANS 3:14-21
Praying these scriptures over you. Love you BIG!
I don’t know you personally, but I feel as though I do through reading this blog. You are a super hero! I am amazed and in awe of how you are handling all of the this. I pray for your strength and wish you much peace.
jen – I truly have no idea what to write that would be an encouragement to you….other than to let you know that you are an encouragement to me. I hate that cancer is doing this to you and at the same time I so love how you are reflecting His glory in the midst of it. I am praying for you, Scott and Lincoln and all your loved ones. They have suffering ahead and a great example of how to respond in the midst of it thanks to you.
Jen, Scott and Lincoln –
My heart breaks for you all. You have been and will be in my prayers. Love…
Praying for peace, and relief from your pain. Thank you for so generously sharing your heart, and your journey!
Sweet Jennifer , praying this morning for all the things you ask us to pray . Your life is such a testimony to me of total dependable , peace and love for our Lord Jesus . Thank you for sharing this journey you are on with others and the impact that it has on those who know you and those who may not . Thank you for teaching me how much God loves us. Psalm 10 :17 ” You hear, O Lord , the desire of the afflicted , you encourage them , and you listen to their cry.” Love , Ann
Oh Jen…I came to you from Melanie’s blog. Have been thinking about you. I am so very sorry you, your family and friends must travel this road. Sending prayers and good thoughts to you.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Saying many prayers & shedding many tears as I read this. I’m so sorry for the physical suffering you are enduring. Much love, dear friend.
My prayers are with you and your family and friends, you are an inspiration and I love your testimony.
Oh my. I’ve been following your story for quite a while. I don’t know if it will help or not, but my oldest was just 4 when her daddy/my husband passed away – also from cancer (baby brother was 2), and though there was an adjustment period, they’re doing pretty well. It did take a few weeks to stop looking for daddy in bed, but they both knew daddy’s body hadn’t been working right. Because they know daddy is in heaven, it makes it a very desirable place to be. We talk about heaven much more than what most people probably do with kids that age because of the close connection. You will be terribly missed by all those who love you. Scott, hopefully the day is far, far away, but you’ll find out the expression “the silence is deafening” is exactly true. My heart is breaking knowing there is another young family going through this…
Tears and prayers and much love for you and your family, Jennifer.
Jen, It is so humbling and encouraging to join you in this journey through your writings.
As you fix your eyes on Jesus, it causes me to do so more as well. Thank you for this gift of vulnerability and reality! You indeed are persevering in this difficult race set before you and again we thank you for allowing us into your heart! I will be praying for your requests.
With love,
Dianne
I haven’t left a comment in a while, but I read every post and pray for you and your family. You have a beautiful spirit inside and out and your love of the Lord beams through you. Rest in His love.
Jennifer – just know that you are one of my spiritual heroes, and I have never known anyone who had dealt with the problems you are facing in such a God-honoring way.
I will keep praying for you and your family.
May His peace continue to give you strength.
Mike
Jen, thank you for letting us join in in prayer. You are a gem. Asking the Lord for grace upon grace for you, Scott, and Lincoln in this hard time. Love you!
Jennifer, I love the way your express all that is happening to your in light of God’s great grace. The way He is sustaining you with peace and joy despite physical and emotional pain. You are a bright and shining light testifying to God’s goodness and for HIs glory. Praying for you and your family.
Dear sister in Christ, You are faithful. I know it’s hard and I know you know He carries you. With your life and words, our Lord is surely saying, “well done, good and faithful servant.” Praying for God to continue to sustain you in peace and His comfort. Praying for Lincoln’s heart and hubby to continue to lean on the Lord. Your watermark nursing room buddy – Anne Rodgers
You are so loved! Your courageous words are life altering for all of us praying for you!
Dearest Jennifer we have never met, yet your presence is with me daily. Your words have strengthen my walk with Jesus. Your journey is undeniably wretched (slight pun), but the grace you have exhibited is such an inspiration to all women. I just want you to know I have come to love you and your family and will continue to pray for you all. May my faith someday mirror your own then I would be truly blessed.
Sweet Jennifer, we know each other only thru Kristi Goldenberg (I am her other mother), Amy Fisher , Debbi Chesney (my precious niece and Amy her precious friend), as well as thru your blog and our love for you and your loved ones. It sounds like the days are rough physically for you and that your physical comfort is a high priority for you in the eyes of your doctors and all who love you. Pain control is a must no matter how spiritually strong you are and I believe God will continue guiding your physicians in your pain control and quality of life plan. You have blessed so many through your open heart and spiritual walk with our Father. We are all better people because of you sharing your love, friendship and walk. If only we could all allow Him to work through us as you have done and continue to do. You are totally awesome although you may not feel it right now as you feel like barfing…to share feelings and words about end of life does not come easy but brings a closeness and depth of love not everyone is willing to do whether end of life is in the near future far future or not even a thought one is open to having. I pray even the healthiest and happiest of us give back the gifts you have so blessedly given us about sharing, caring, loving and praying to those who are near and dear to us. I venture to say there is not one person who has been touched by you who has not said it thought that when I grow up I want to be like Jennifer! I am soon to be 66 and when I grow up I want to be like you!!!! So, as you and Scott spend time with each other and Linc His Grace will envelop you all as will His love and tears. Thank you thank you for your sharing, past and future. In His Name and love.
Cherry
Praying for you all as you enter this next phase of your journey. My heart aches for you all.
Jen, this was a heavy update to read. I couldn’t get through it without tears rolling down my face but thank you for posting it. As I have followed your journey it has become a springboard for many of my own reflections. Life is a precious joy to behold because through it we carry each other burdens, share in each others heartaches, lift one anther in prayer and celebrate each other’s victories. The common denominator in all of this is experiencing all life has to offer with loved ones. Jesus knew that some of our sweetest moments and most difficult ones would be due to the fact that we invest our hearts deeply with one another. He is our example.
I know I an no different than others reading your post where the word “why” just keeps running in the background. I do not understand why this is your journey, while David’s outcome is currently so different. But, it is a humbling reminder that throughout this earthly experience there will be hundreds of circumstances in which we are haunted with “why” and are not granted satisfactory explanations. I think that is the essence of faith though. Through your journey, Jesus is saying to all of us…You do not understand, but trust Me anyway. My grace is sufficient, My strength is your hope and My love never changes.
All of us that know you and love your family would jump in and alter circumstances in an instant if we could. Instead, we are left crying out to our Abba Father to envelop you and your family in His Peace and Strength. He will not fail!
Jen, so grateful for your example of faithfulness. Thank you for sharing with so many what it means to trust in every circumstance. You are dearly loved and admired. Praying for you and your family often.
Dear Jennifer – Scott and I are continually praying for you, Scott and Lincoln, your mom, Jamie and your other family and friends. We love you.
Meredith
Jen, you are loved, admired, respected and adored by so many. Your faith and testimony draw me closer to Jesus Christ every day. Thank you for your transparency in sharing your joys and struggles with all of us. You are faithfully doing the Lord’s work every day–making disciples.
My prayers continue…You are loved…
We thank our God through Jesus Christ for you. Romans 1:8
I’m lifting you up to the throne of His grace❤️
I don’t have words to say. We have never met, I found you through Melanie’s blog. You are all people I would want as friends in my “real
life”.. And today I cry for your pain and the unbelievable loss you will be for those you love and who love you. Please know you’re in the prayers of people you have never met.. I pray for peace for you and a cessation of your pain. God bless you all.
Praying SO hard for you and your family. Mesmerized by your strength and wisdom in this journey…
Jenn, I am at a loss for words. Your grace and courage and dignity know no bounds. I cry each time I read your posts. Of course, I would love to see you. But even more importantly, I want you to know the impact your friendship has had on my life and how knowing you has changed me. First, your were my first college friend that actually went to church while at college. Who knew? Because of you, my temporary vacation from God’s word ended and I began to seek Him first again. Secondly, your friendly, knows no stranger, outgoing (or outspoken? Lol!) personality was such a welcomed fresh breath of air to me at a University of 45,000 people, none of whom seemed to care to even say Hi in passing. Lastly, but most importantly, watching you live through real deep suffering only to use it to draw you closer to Jesus has been such a beautiful example to me of how to face tough times with eyes focused upwards. You are so precious and so beautiful!
I am praying for you daily and for Scott and Lincoln and all your dear friends and family. God is good and He is able. To comfort, to sustain, to renew. Blessings my dear friend. I love you.
Jennifer – I just wanted to say hello and let you know you and your sweet family are in my thoughts and prayers! I know our FBA days were long ago, but you are a huge part of some of my favorite basketball memories. 🙂 I pray God’s peace continues to surround you and that you are able to find some pain relief. May you feel God’s arms around you!! Know that you are loved and prayed for!! ~Wendi
Do not know you personally, but praying hard for you as if I do. So thankful that God brought me to read your blog. Thank you for blessing us with your faith and with your words. Much love to you and to your amazing family.
I am holding you close to my heart you my sweet sister in the Lord. You have an amazing outlook that is impacting us all. You are teaching us how to gracefully accept God’s plan for our lives. I run a lot of things happening to me and my family through the grid of how you are accepting what is happening to yours. God bless you and your family today and always.
praying for you, scott, linc and the other prayer requests right now…
Your words of testimony of our Lord and Savior’s sustaining grace as you walk this very difficult path are such an uplifting dialogue to those of us that love you and are walking this road with you through this blog. We have the honor of joining others in praying for you and Scott and sweet Lincoln because you have allowed us into your world. You are a blessing to us through the way in which you are choosing to handle the suffering you are daily enduring. Please know how much you are loved and how as I pray for you I see you on my couch eating pecan pie and laughing loudly and having fun with my family. Now you are getting to live out the beautiful words: “Be still and know that I am God.” All of us should take more time in our lives to “BE STILL AND KNOW!!” Thank you for reminding us of that. Continued prayers………….pam bullington
Praying with you precious Jennifer. Thank you for glorifying your Father in the midst of constant pain and plans that seem strange to us. You are, have always been and continue to be a mighty woman of God. Thank you for letting us see and feel God through you. I love you and am praying hard…also laughing a little as I remember a conversation with Ronald in a van in Africa 🙂
Well my Sweet Girl, as you said where your tears began to flow mine were way ahead of yours, probably by several small paragraphs. I will lift in prayer your requests today and in the future. Printing off so I have in hand. I love your strength and courage and Complete and Total Love and Dependence on Our Precious Lord and Savior. Thank you again for including Us, your Internet Family in the Heart Healing Love and complete and total trust you have. Love and Prayers! Cathy
A sister in Christ though we have never met. Lifting you, your family and friends up daily. May God bring you peace and comfort in the days ahead.
All I could think of as I read this is… I sure am gonna miss her!
When we all get there, whenever that will be, please look me up – I’d love to meet you!
Jennifer, there is NO quit in your DNA. With Phil. 4:13 in your pocket, let’s remember, it is not a sudden death, but God’s plan for us which is the best way to “live” our lives. You are strong, because you love your risen Savior.
Larry Foster
There are no words to convey how your faith throughout this journey has touched so many. I’m not even sure how I came upon your blog, but I pray for you and your family, sweet Jen. The Lord is surely with you, as is evidenced with each post. May you continue to experience that peace that does pass all understanding and feel the prayers of those you minister to in such as time as this….. God bless you. And keep you…….
I started following your blog through Melanie Shankle. Oh goodness, I’m so blessed by your honest writings. How God has used you for His glory. Praying for these requests.
I am a palliative care MSW. I pray that you find relief from the expertise the physician you meet with can offer. It can be difficult to reconcile palliation but it can make you so much more comfortable and able to tackle things like nutrition which is such an important way to fight cancer. Our palliative care doctor always says, “We find three things help people fight, 1. Good nutrition. Your body is an engine and cancer is a greedy bitch. She’ll take all the fuel she can (no, he doesn’t use naughty words, but I think it’s appropriate) 2. Good pain management. When your body is stressed with pain, it greatly impacts everything. 3. A reason to keep going and keep living. I think we all would overwhelmingly agree you have that in spades. I pray you are able to have all of these and a good quality of life.
Praying! Love you.
Sweet Jen,
I love you dearly. I always have and I always will. I wish I could be there more than just in prayer, but my prayers are indeed with you. I’m desperate for you to be healed and not in pain. You started me on a beautiful spiritual journey way back in the early days of WM with the Esther study. You opened my eyes, my heart, and fanned the flame of my passion for God’s Word. God bless you for your faithfulness and how you continue to teach and exhort even now. Praying for all of you!!
just love the Clouse House so much and praying continually!
Jen, I don’t know you or Melanie but I feel like I do. I started following your blog last December after your cancer returned and Melanie posted a link. I just want you to know that you and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your faith, joy, peace and how God is orchestrating everything in your life right now!
Bless your heart. I’m afraid we’re coming to the end of our journey with my father in law and his renal cell carcinoma. So this sorta hit home. My husband is on his way home with him from the oncologist as I type this. I know we don’t know each other but I’ve followed your blog for a while because of Melanie Shankle. Praying for you and your family. 💗
Praying for you and your family. You have been so brave and faithful through this journey. I don’t personally know you but my heart is heavy as I read your blog.
Jenn and Family, Your time is precious, I know but I just wanted you to know what a blessing yours spirt is and will continue to be for far mor people than you would imagine. I have shared your blog with many but most importantly my who lost her mother to AML a week short of her 3rd birthday. Over the years we have told her the stories of her mothers battle to stay with her, so while she heard it from us it as hard for her to really grasp it. She now gets it and it give a tremendous sense of peace and pride, and as a physician a new perspective! Thank you and your family for sharing your precious time. Love and prayers to you.
May His comfort embrace you, Ann Seaman
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Sweet Jennfer. I continue to think of you and pray. While my words feel so inadequate, I hope these words will be a blessing:
Do not fear for I am with you;
do not be dismayed for I am you God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
– Isaiah 41:10
Sending love and hugs as I write this.
Lisa
I love you my friend! I love how many lives you have touched and influenced and impacted for His Kingdom! I am thankful for the many times I’ve had a front row seat watching you at what you do best over the past 20+ years….you encourage others and point them to Christ. So many comments from people who don’t have the privilege of knowing you, but who you are impacting through your faith. Praying for what you requested! Love you!
Jennifer, as I read your post, I’m thinking she is sincere, she is an incredible mother, wife, daughter, friend, and most importantly she is in love with Jesus. My heart aches because I hear you through your quiet unselfish humility your love and concern for Scott and Lincoln. I’m thinking to myself Jennifer is supernatural…and you are…your love for our Lord is shining through like the Son! And I’m guessing that you know how much He loves you and also that
you know how much He loves Scott and Lincoln. I am thanking the Lord for your faithfulness and praying for continued strength and courage and energy, and healing. Jennifer, you are so precious!
The cite shows …. ‘Those are my thoughts. Now, I’d love to read yours…”
My thoughts? “Wow! Faith in action is humbling to witness! The prayer and desire is for full restored health, that God’s hand reach into your body this very moment and remove all cancer cells. That tonight He hold you in the palm of his hand and breath total sweet sleep without any ‘rotisserie’ . That tomorrow you awaken, take a deep breath and have the appetite of a horse! That your son be able to see his mom in the stands when he graduates from high school and college. My prayer is for God to do what is only God’s ability to do and that He only get the credit for doing it. Those are my thoughts on this rainy night…
Dear Jennifer, Scott, and Lincoln,
Though I have not met you, I feel that know you well. We have a mutual friend, Don, and through his postings, I have kept up with you and your journey. Jennifer, words simply are not adequate, though how I wish I could find the words to convey what my heart feels!
In the midst of this trial, your faith in the One who holds you speaks volumes. Thank you for sharing. I am praying for all of you – now, and in the days to come.
Jennifer, I am so sad reading this. You have been such an encouragement to me through Highlight Bible study during my battle with breast cancer 9 years ago. Thank you for being such a radiant reflection of Jesus to the world and to me. Bless you and all your friends and family as you prepare for the road ahead. Praying for you, and sure do love you!
I am one of the Wards friends and have been praying for your sweet family…words just aren’t enough and as tears are running, I just want you to know what an Amazing believer and inspiration you are…your words pull at my heart strings…I am praying for comfort for your family and for you…
Hi Jennifer,
We have never met, but have mutual friends. Thank you for sharing your words… what a gift and encouragement. Praying for you and yours!
Many Prayers for you here Jen, so thankful to have been able to read your blog for years, you are such a Godly woman and have inspired me in so many ways. Thank you for being so honest and so God glorifying. Much love from Ontario Canada.
Sending prayers & 💗 To you & your sweet family! Isaiah 41:10
I was standing on the stage of Ralph Baker Hall surrounded by kids when you came through the theatre door and paused on the landing. You stood there in the costume you had assembled yourself, Imogene Heardman in person. In that moment you gave me such joy that I have never forgotten it. In all the times I directed that play after that I would think of that moment with you. You brought not only joy but a promise that being with you was going to be delightful. I know your life has been just what I saw in that moment years ago.
Sweet girl , I love you and pray for you and your family.
________________________________
These memories and stories bless me…
Praying… we love you, Scott & Linc.
Jennifer,
Thank you for the chance to watch you live by faith. Praying for you, Scott, and Lincoln.
Your friend from Horn Creek,
Eric
Thank you God for the Comforter that is carrying her spirit through this hell on earth. God I pray she still seeks YOUR miracles even in the darkest hours when the doctors give her little hope that she continually responds with YOUR hope that is rooted deep within her. Bless her husband and sweet son as they seek strength for their own needs. Jesus heal her!!! Be alive in her down to the marrow of her bones!!! Remove every cancer cell and let her be a walking jumping shouting miracle of your power that is undeniable in this curcumstance. Bring her health back Daddy!!! Give her appetite back, remove her pain, remove anything that keeps her from physical strength needed to fight this battle. You alone have this touch. Let the kingdom of heaven collide with earth in her body for healing in Jesus name. Thank you faithful Father for her life testimony of your love for her that is seen in her beautiful words. She is your beloved. Hold her closely every minute of every single day. Amen
Jenn, my heart is heavy and my soul is grieving…but my confidence in His perfect love encourages me , as I know it dies you. Kristen and I are faithfully lifting you up to the Throne of Grace, along with our various church groups.
You are a beautiful example and encouragement to me ( as always) and your immediate mission field has been impacted in an eternal way by your transparency and passion for Jesus. Praying for no pain, peace, and purposeful living for you and your family!
Psalm 91
Suzette
HEY Jennifer!
Like many of your blog “followers”, you do not know me… But I stumbled upon your blog through stumbling upon Melanie Shankle’s blog.
You two girls have given many laugh-out-loud moments these past few months 😉 As a mom of 3 kids, I have enjoyed hearing about all your stories.
Anyway, I’ve been inspired by your journey & would love to share with you one of my favorite devotionals… Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman.
You may already have it, but if not I would love to send it to you from Amazon Prime. Of course, totally understand if you don’t want a total stranger knowing your address… 😉
It is a wonderful devotional that has helped me & many of my friends through dark hours.
Hope Lincoln has a Happy Halloween with lots of candy!!!
~Margaret Withers
Margaret that’s such a sweet offer – especially since I wholeheartedly agree with the wisdom and comfort of her writings. Just wanted to thank you for offering and affirm it’s a fav of mine as well!
I found your blog through Melanie and having been following your journey. Within the last month, my dad has been diagnosed with end stage cancer. We are adjusting to this new reality, continually trusting in our loving Father’s plan. Your writing comforts my heart. Praying for strength and grace as you and your family walk this path.
Jennifer and family- my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. I feel so inadequate with my words as yours are so beautiful and have blessed me and so many others beyond measure. After reading this latest post all I could do was to begin thanking God for you, your life and for the opportunity I had this summer to do the study of heaven with you and Kay. I am thankful we were able to “re-connect” after meeting so many years ago. I am praying for relief from the pain and for God to wrap His arms tighter than ever around you, Scott and Lincoln this weekend as you discuss the future. You have been and continue to be such a bright light here on earth – I can only imagine how heaven will glow as our Lord welcomes you into your eternal home! You are precious and loved!!!!
Prating for you and your family ❤️ You are an inspiration to me. How you handle life is amazing and a true testimony. So much love from Oregon.
I am praying Romans 15:13: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”…praying for you and all who know and love you.
Like others on here, I came to your blog by way of Melanie Shankle.
I wish I had the words to tell you how much I admire and respect you. Your grace, courage, and faith come through so strongly in your words, as does your generosity in sharing this journey with us. I can only hope that if I’m ever faced with such a challenge, I can be even one-tenth of the courageous person you are.
Sending strength and peace to you and your family and loved ones.
I am praying for you all from Tennessee tonight. You have touched my heart and I am sad that you are in pain. So many have said it here already- but I am praying for THE peace that passes understanding from God. Thank you so much for your testimony and for sharing your heart with us. It is a gift. Praying for Jesus to be near to you every moment…..
God bless you- your courage, humor, faith, and honesty are so inspiring. Prayers for you and your family ! 💕💕💕
It is Sunday morning when I come across your story. I have just experienced Halloween with my children. Thank you for your bravery of sharing your journey with others so we can be humbled by your courage and not take the simple blessings of life for granted. You and yours are on my prayers!
Dear Jen,
Dear Jesus,
Please give Jen joy unspeakable! Please be with her sweet family and fill them with peace and strength. Please be with her friends and let them know specific things they can do and bring to help. Please be with all the medical staff and give them the knowledge and wisdom for this time. In Jesus name, amen.
We are with you Jen!
Jennifer,
You are a true testimony of faith. Each and every time I read your blog you touch me and amaze me. What a special person you are. I continue to pray for you and your family.
Like you, I have the great blessing of a devoted Grandmother (Opal)— in my case, I’m responsible for her and she’s 100. My mother was an only child, and has been gone for 15 years now. So, my grandmother and I are very close. Jennifer, I’ll be praying for your grandmother, who I imagine to be somewhat like my own: wise, resilient, fierce-hearted and devoted to her grandchildren. I need to peek back to find her name, but I know the Lord has the hairs on her head counted and will hear my prayers for her. Much love, Laurel
Jennifer. Your impact on this world is wider than you can imagine. I have shared stories or anecdotes from your blog with 3-4 different people only to find out that they are friends of yours too and have been encouraged by your writing. The most recent was Gary Buffington at an Indian buffet this Friday. We love you and are thankful to be your friend and to be able to enjoy your gift for communicating truth, even through your own sufferings.
Tim
I pray for you and your family all the time and will continue to do so. Thank you for your example of grace and faithfulness.
Praying for you and your family, Jennifer.
Jen, my sweet, beautiful friend on Goodwin. My heart aches for you and your family. Your strength leaves me in ‘Awe’.. your faith is so inspiring. I always think about since the moment we met, you bring a smile to my face… even at the saddest moments. I horrible at putting my feelings in words, but I hope you know how much I adore you .. love you. Adria
Dear Jennifer and Scott, Lincoln ….. I too read your posts immediately and delight in your words, the words from teachings/study and the love you so obviously give and receive from so many. I can’t express how sad I feel that you/family/friends must endure the process you are both physically/emotionally but also very grateful that your able to see the precious, good things and that you will be rewarded with when you move onto the journey with our Lord.
I pray for you all and that you can find the time needed and relief from the pain to enjoy every moment.
Love, Barbara and family
So many prayers for you, and grace upon grace…
Wow!…you are so courageous and your faith is truly inspiring. I am praying for you and for your family. I thank you for sharing your story…I really needed a wake up call to start living life and truly enjoy all my blessings each and everyday. Your blog has helped remind me how short and precious life on earth is and not take for granted each day God has given me. Thank you and God Bless!
Eileen
Jennifer, you can add my name to the list of those who do not know you personally but who has been inspired by you. I’m grateful that God in His sovereignty allowed me to find your blog and He has used you to teach me so many lessons. Your testimony of faith and courage has been such an encouragement
to me. You and your family continue to be in my prayers….
Praying away…
Thank you for allowing us to struggle so openly with you. It’s amazing how your difficult experiences should result in fear, despair, anger, bitterness, … but your posts reflect such light, hope, love, and beauty because you have such a beautiful relationship with Jesus! To God be the glory! I’m praying for you (as all your chapel school friends are) and still praying for a miraculous healing in this world, though confident you will be free in the next.
You are such an inspiration to all! I have been reading your posts and praying for you and your sweet family since I heard about your fight through Melanie’s blog. You are proof that faith is greater than the fight! Prayers to you and your family!